i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
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The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
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my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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