I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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