I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
