he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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