im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
