Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
