I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
