I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
