You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
