I accidentally burped into my bong.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
