Where are you?
In a non slutty way
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
