Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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