I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Even my vagina gasped.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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