I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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