my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
