Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm experimenting with sincerity
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
