The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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