i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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