He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
