Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
