I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I want a musical about memes.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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