i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
