is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
