The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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