Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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