my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
