i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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