I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
