i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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