i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
