Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
