Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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