Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
