just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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