You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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