I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
