You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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