It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
