in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
