When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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