No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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