Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
