Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
