dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
