I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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