Sober January is a disaster.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
