Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
