just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
