just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
