enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
