Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
