I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
