Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Why did my mother make you get naked?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
