last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
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She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
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I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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