Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
