Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
