she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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