Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
