My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
